Unmercenary….

He asks, “Mom, how do you fill your days now that we are all nearly grown and don’t really need you all the time?”

And I wonder…..

Does it matter? All this scrubbing of floors? All this cooking of meals? Dishes? Laundry? Homework? Preparation for auditions? The chauffeuring to this and that? The listening? To dreams? To fears? The long conversations?

I wonder…

Does it matter? This changing of diapers? This giving of baths? The feeding? The playing with blocks? The reading of books? The explore? Baby birds, ducks on the pond, playgrounds, flowers? If nobody notices, is it still real?

I wonder…

Does it matter? Dreams deferred? Put on hold. For now. For them? If they do not see? Why am i doing this? Really?

On Sunday, we commemorated the unmercenary healers. Medicine men who did not ply their skills for profit. I have struggled with this. I am an unmercenary. But, not by choice. Every day I do invisible deeds. No one says thank you. No one imagines what life would be like without them. I do not give this gift freely. Always. Sometimes I want desperately to be noticed. I am vain. I would like someone to say, “Thank you for washing my clothes. Thank you for supper. For a clean home.” It rarely happens.

And sometimes I think it would be better to be out in the world doing something that would last more than a few minutes. Something that might bring a salary. Something dignified and honorable.

Instead, I get up every day and do invisible deeds to launch my beloveds upon the world. And I wonder, does it matter?

Do I matter?

Do I?